Spazzy Magee
by Suni Daughter of Moro
Summary: Mwahahahahaha... Haru's imaginary friend from childhood comes back to haunt him (For those of you who have seen Drop Dead Fred, you can guess where this is heading.)
1. Enter Spazzy

**Spazzy**** Magee**

Chapter One: Enter Spazzy

It was the fifth of May. Four days ago, Haru had gone with Tohru to visit her mother's grave. All of the Sohmas went, even Akito, though he stayed silent and out of sight for most of the time. Ever since then, Haru had been sleeping on street corners trying to find his way home. Hatori offered to take him home but then they came to realize there wasn't enough room in the car. Haru, not wanting to kick anyone out of the car, decided to refuse Hatori's offer and walk himself home. He regretted the choice now.

It was the middle of a heat wave, too. Haru, having not had a bath or shower in four days, was beginning to feel sick from his own scent. He began to get annoyed now and eventually he went Black.

During the time he spent as Black Haru, Hatsuharu knocked out a shopkeeper who couldn't give him directions to Sohma house, kicked a stone off the sidewalk and into someone's nose, and started a huge street fight. The last two happened simultaneously. The person he hit with the rock that he had kicked was apparently the head of a gang who set his underlings against Haru to get some revenge. Too bad things didn't go as planned. Haru beat all of them into the asphalt without even breaking a sweat.

Continuing along his way, Haru, being taller than the average person, happened to run into a tree limb while cutting through the park. It knocked him off his feet and Haru awoke to a surprise….

Regaining consciousness, Haru opened his eyes to find a strange man standing beside him, looking down. The man looked dirty enough himself to have been a vagrant but his clothes, though extremely mismatched, were almost spotless. This man had wild brown hair that stuck out on all sides from underneath his askew red hat. It was an old-fashioned hat and, after some time spent staring at it, Haru was able to discern what type of hat it was. It was a bowler derby - a bright red bowler derby. Along with this annoyingly brightly colored hat, the man wore a dull blue t-shirt with an orange dress jacket on top. Haru almost laughed as he asked himself where in the world anyone could find a bright orange dress jacket. To top - or rather bottom - it all off, the man wore checkered pants of yellow and green and brown saddle shoes with rainbow-colored laces. After looking over the laughable garb, Haru looked back up, into the man's dull blue eyes.

"Here, let me help you up there, laddie," the man reached down for Haru's hand. Haru gratefully accepted the man's aid. The collision with the tree branch had turned him White again.

"Thanks," Haru murmured as he stood up. He began dusting himself off. "I don't suppose you can tell me where to find Sohma House?"

"Sorry, laddie. Don't know the place anymore," the man scratched his chin.

"Any…more?" Haru blinked at the curious choice of words.

"Don't ye remember me, laddie?" the man said, his Irish accent was clear now.

"Nuh-uh. Sorry buddy. Your face doesn't look familiar at all," Haru shook his head.

"Ah well, shouldta expected ye'd remember. You always were a bit daft, weren't ye laddie? Try again though. Take a good look at me face and see if anythin' comes back to ye."

"Nope. Noth--," Haru paused. He suddenly realized who the man was and became very afraid. "Spazzy?"

"Yep, that's me. Miss me, laddie? Ye daft bastard, did ye really think I was gone?" Spazzy stood there with a cocky smile across his face.

"Holy hell! I must be seeing things!" Haru grasped his head and felt around for any sort of bump or bruise that may have caused a concussion.

"Ack, those damned bastards got to ye, didn't they!? Haru, ye daft twit, I'm real!"

"No, you're not! You're my imaginary friend from when I was a very lonely, lonely little kid!"

"Ye mean to tell me ye ain't still a lonely little kid, ye daft twit?" Spazzy looked at Haru crossly.

"Stop calling me a daft twit, you stupid figment of my imagination!"

"How the hell can ye expect me to stop callin ye a daft twit when you won't stop acting like one!?"

"Go away! I'm screwed up enough without being schizophrenic!" Haru cried.

"You're not a schizophrenic goddammit!" Spazzy argued.

"I don't wanna be a schizophrenic. I don't need voices in my head. I don't need to hallucinate. I'm already too screwed up as it is. I've got anger management issues and split personalities… I don't need this."

"Yer a dumbass, ye know that?"

"Well _you're _a friggin' figment of a lonely schizophrenic dumbass bastard's imagination!"

Alicia: Well, that turned out nicely.

Haru: (crying) Why do I gotta be the one who sees things?

Alicia: I wanted to use Kyo but T-chan told me I was being too Kyo-centric with my FB fics. She told me I should either use you or Yuki so I chose you.

Haru: Why?

Alicia: Because I'd rather cut out my tongue than write a Yuki-centric fic… unless it was a brutal suicide fic.

Haru: Poor Yuki. He's gonna end up dead in a gutter one day with your fingerprints on him, isn't he?

Alicia: O'course not. I'm not dumb enough to leave evidence. Plus, I'd rather he die like Edgar Allan Poe. A completely mysterious death - found beaten and wearing someone else's clothes in the dark streets of Baltimore, he'll remain alive but unconscious for several days, after which he will become conscious, say a brief repenting prayer, and die. (evil laugh)

Haru: You're a very dark person, you know that?

Alicia: Mwahaha, you'd need a 500 watt flashlight just to be able to see if you were to stand within 20 feet of my darkest self.

Haru: (whimper) (hides behind Kyo)

Kyo: Stop freakin the poor guy out!


	2. Enter Kyo

**Spazzy**** Magee**

Chapter 2: Enter Kyo

"Kyo! You gotta help me!" Haru yelled as he ran up to his cousin.

"Finally found your way around, I see," Kyo chuckled. "It took ya ten days but you made it to school."

"Kyo! I need help!"

"What is it? You kill somebody?" Kyo asked. Haru knew it was teasing though Kyo had sounded serious.

"No! I'm going schizo or something! You see, my imaginary friend from when I was a little kid is back and he keeps bugging me and calling me a dumbass bastard!"

"And why is it that I don't even bat an eye when this is coming from your mouth but if anyone else said this I'd call the mental ward?" Kyo sighed.

"I'm serious!"

"Why tell me about it?" Kyo turned to walk away.

"Because, well… you're the only one who I don't think can think any less of me," Haru admitted sheepishly.

"Damn it, Haru, go bug somebody else with your inferiority complex."

"It's not an inferiority complex! It's schizophrenia!"

"AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN, SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!"

"Kyo…" Haru sniffled. Pity was a tactic he used on Kyo from time to time to keep from going Black.

"Fine, what do you want me to do about it?" Kyo sighed.

"Can I come stay with you at Shigure's house?" Haru asked. "Please? Pretty please?"

"No, NO, and **NO**! We don't have any room for your freeloading ass!"

"I could sleep in your room," Haru insisted.

"NO! I'm not letting you and your little imaginary pal spend the night in my bed!!"

"Aw, but Kyo, you used to let me sleep with you," Haru pouted.

People were starting to stare. Kyo had to save his reputation from being marked with the black mark of incest and homosexuality.

"We were friggin kids! Besides, it was either let you sleep with me or master would have given you my bed and I woulda slept in a tree!"

"Sex slave," one of the staring bystanders murmured.

"MASTER IS MY KARATE TEACHER NOT MY LOVER!!! MIND YOUR OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS!!!" Kyo screamed. The audience quickly dissipated.

"Can I go home with you? Pretty pretty please?" Haru got down on his knees and begged.

"Get up! I just scared those bastards off! I don't need them coming back because they think your begging me for sex!" Kyo grumbled.

"Can I stay with you?" Haru asked again.

"Fine just get off your knees already!"


End file.
